Awaiting Spring
I forgot how alive I could feel when the sun is out
In the desolate, truncated days of winter, I forget how alive I can feel when the sun is out. And every time the sun comes out, I say to myself, “I forgot how alive I could feel when the sun is out.”
I have a lack of object-permanence when it comes to my mood. I drag myself through the darkest days of the year, barely remembering what light feels like. Barely remembering the sensation of heat.
I don’t know how to keep myself warm, so I scuttle like a lizard from one crevice to another, shut down in the cold to preserve energy. I scald my skin under hot showers and sleep beneath a heated blanket just to stop my body from seizing up. I don’t so much drag myself through winter, I guess—I hunker down, burrow into blankets, and plead for the sun’s return.
And it is returning.
I don’t know how it happens—though it always does. How the days first become darker, cannibalizing themselves; before spitting out the light once again. The pulsing of the seasons, not unlike the universe.
There is so much to dislike about winter, but this season is oriented towards awakening. It is always moving towards sunlight, not away. It is the Moon in reverse, unraveling the obscured.
I am deeply-craving the early days of Spring now. I can feel them gently pouring through my curtains on Saturday mornings. I can smell them rising up from the soil after the rain.
I surrender to the ceaseless cycle! I have no choice. I accept the ceaselessness!
“The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them; and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.”
Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
I’d like to share more of these short writings from time to time. I tend to feel like they’re not worth sharing, but also…why not?
If you are also excited about Spring’s arrival, consider some of my Spring book recommendations!
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